THE MUCKRAKER: MASH OFF REVEIW
by Sunshine Lollypops Klainebows
Summary: Brittany S. Pierce writes for the McKinley High Muckraker. She dishes on everything that went down in MASH OFF from Blaine's hot pants to why Finn is such an ass.


Muckraker Issue 3:

MASH OFF

by Brittany S. Pierce

Readers you should have been dodging the hallways this week: the insults, comebacks, dodgeballs, paper balls, boy balls and monkey poo were flying everywhere (but no slushies for once).

We started the week rocking out in class with Puck who was 'Hot for Teacher' it was so much fun. I think as part of my campaign I might have to insist on musical numbers in all classes. I think he might have been singing about Shelby because didn't they make out like a couple of weeks ago? He's been following her everywhere, just like that flat black girl who follows me and copies all my moves. Everyone's been super frisky lately, is something in the drinking fountains? I did note that Finn was wearing Kurt's sunglasses during the number, you know the ones Blaine threw to him when he sang 'It's Not Unusual'. Finn's now added thief to bullying on his douchebag CV – now he has all the credentials to become a dictator or a gym teacher – and that was just the first of three strikes this week – and someone is indeed out!

New Directions and Trouble Tones were smack talking all over the school until our leaders stepped in with a Mash Up of "You and I/You and I". Luckily it was not a stroke but a stroke of genius when they announced a mash off between the two glee clubs. But battle of the bands was not enough for Finn and Santana who decided their differences could be settled by the only civilized way things can be in high school – Dodgeball. The balls were flying everywhere and not just the dodgeballs – I think it might have been a mistake to lend Blaine some of my shorts. After a brutal war the Trouble Tones won – naturally, well Finn kept singing 'Hit Me With Your Best Shot' and Santana kept singing she was 'I'm Gonna Gettcha'… all I'm saying is it kind of seems like it wasn't really a contest. Sadly the balls didn't stop flying at time out and my fierce femes took out little Irish Rory. Kurt rode to the rescue and called out all the girls, and he was right, with all the violence already in this school we shouldn't be turning on each other, Kurt's gonna make such a super mama when Blaine knocks him up.

It isn't just the students of McKinley that are going head to head, Sue has upped her campaign by trying to take down hot hot DILF candidate Burt Hummel. She's been spreading lies on TV from saying he has a baboon heart to saying he's sexually assaulting cars, also that he had a Donkey Bride (but then this might explain why Finn is such an ass). The politics didn't stop there, McKinley High had the debate with its four candidates: Rick the Stick, Kurt Hummel, Rachel Berry and yours truly. Let me tell you, you do not want Rick to be your senior class president, the only stick he has is in his name, trust me I know. Unicorns are peaceful creatures but they have the horn for a reason and when they need to put up a fight they do and Kurt is fighting to stop violence in the school by banning dodgeball. Kurt seemed kind of pissed about the my little pony thing but it is true, I sent them a picture of Kurt's face last year because I wanted my little unicorn to inspire future children, like all the ones Puck is clearly making cause he never wears a condom. Next it was Rachel's turn, she and Kurt have been fighting since Rachel Berried the knife right in Kurt's back, but in true Rachel style she made a show of herself and ultimately dropped out of the race telling everyone to vote for Kurt. I'm surprised she didn't use it as an opportunity to sing, that girl loves the microphone more than Blaine likes to jump on furniture.

Rory was nervous but excited to get the lead in New Directions performance of 'You Make My Dreams Come True/I Can't Go For That" This was at the suggestion of Finn, but he took over pretty much the whole thing and Rory just dueted on a verse with Tina, who still has yet to sing an entire song – is it cause she doesn't know enough English? I suppose between Rory and Tina they can just about cover a verse. Not only that but after bullying Blaine and saying New Directions don't wear Blazers he was a hypogrith and totally wore one in the number! And that was Finn's last strike! But it wasn't him who was out it was Santana when right in the middle of the McKinley hallways he outed Santana in front of everyone. Your voice carries Finn, maybe not in the way your girlfriends can to chipmunks, dogs and mermaids but enough that everyone in school heard. Even though I think Santana should come out it was up to her to decide when and Finn was a total jerk.

All the hate came to the boil at the end of the week and burnt Santana when following Finn's outburst Sue and Burt's rival Reggie 'the sauce' Salazar posted a video outing Santana and questioning Sue's family values. I don't understand this man at all, if you're into the same sex how is this not good family values? You're having the sex with the same person? My uncle is married and he has sex with a lot of other people and his goat and he's a terrible father to his kids and his goat. Burt and Sue need to rally to take out thisjerk, maybe they should take a lesson from us and mash up. After our winning performance of "Someone Like You/Rumour Has It" Santana boiled over and slapped Finn, like in front of everyone. Usually I don't tolerate violence but I made an exception because Finn has had it coming all week… well since school came back in September.

I'm ready for a week off, this drama is seriously exhausting…

Cheerio!


End file.
